Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
i dont even know how to be here
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Come share oat with me in your robe
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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