for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Randomize
