he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
