my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
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