I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
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