Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
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