as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
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