The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Randomize
