I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Evryone should know as good ramen noodle cooked in beer sounds... its not
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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