i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
