Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
he puts the penis in happiness.
I wish you could order shots online.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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