she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
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