Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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