She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
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JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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