I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
I was watching truelife I'm transgendered. This tranny already got a date a week after getting a vagina. I've had a vagina my entire life and can't get a date.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
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