bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
it was like having sex with a tree stump
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Randomize
