I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
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