There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
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