On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
jump out the window naked night went bad
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