I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
