What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Randomize
