he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
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