Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
