Your face is a jimmy john
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
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