I puked a lego.
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Randomize
