Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I realized that I earned the name Classy cassie as i was throwing up vodka slushie in my bed with a guy I know by the name extacy boy
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
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