Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
they're like a gay fantastic four
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Randomize
