i may or may not be watching the land before time
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
Randomize
