Is there a tactful way for me to ask a girl to let me know when she gets her period?
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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