Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
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