I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
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I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
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Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
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