i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
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