I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
Randomize
