I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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