Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
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