I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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