how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
