Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
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