Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
