she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
