He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Randomize
