god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
Randomize
