I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Randomize
