So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
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