Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
