I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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