Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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