I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Randomize
