conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
