Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
