woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
