Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
