dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
Randomize
