I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
