I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
