apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
