Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
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