I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Randomize
