just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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